Holy Apostles Soup Kitchen

LILA AND JEFF II (Lila and Uncle Louie)

In Uncategorized on October 2, 2015 at 1:34 pm

Portrait of a businessman working on accounting ledgers

Louie              Lila, come in, you look troubled.

Lila                 I am. . .  Jeff fucked up again.

Louie              I warned you about that Mick, what did he do now?

Lila                 He confused your tax service with a Russian one.

Louie              I am well aware of those Russkie imposters-they used my name and even doubled the pay of one of my workers. Stupid kid could be bought off for $20 an hour.

Lila                 You’re only paying your tax guys $10 an hour?

Louie              Gotta cut costs. . .

Lila                 Yeah, like who else would drive a Mercedes with armor plating in that part of Brooklyn?

Louie              Well, it’s cheaper and less likely to be bought off than bodyguards.

Lila                 Are things that bad?

Louie              Yes, they are. Can’t trust anyone outside of family anymore.

Lila                 I have trouble trusting my husband.

Louie              He may be a complete clutz, but I don’t see him cheating on you or ratting the family out to the feds.

Lila                 That is true. He’s broken every piece of that china set Aunt Gina got me for our wedding.

Louie              I know, $12,000 in the garbage.

Lila                 You can add the $900 he lost in refund money to the Russkies. I may need help paying the rent.

Louie              I’ll pay a visit to your landlord.

Lila                 No bats this time!

Louie              Ok, no bats, no tire irons, no chains. . .

Lila                 Have you ever not used force to get your way?

Louie              A few times, not that long ago, I met one of my rivals who ratted guys out to the feds. I gave him an umbrella.

Lila                 Did you hit him with it?

Louie              No, but he didn’t live long after he used it.

Lila                 You gave the poor schmuck a poisoned umbrella?

Louie              Not when you put it like that. . .

Lila                 I wonder how I could be related to you, to all of this?

Louie              Lila, your parents loved you. Your father did everything he could for his baby girl. And when they died in that wreck on the Belt, I took care of you.

Lila                 Yeah. .  raised by a monster.

Louie              We’re all monsters inside, Lila, even you. .or dunces.

Lila                 Only a monster could come up with a poisoned umbrella!

Louie              I got the idea from the Russkies. Some KGB goons poisoned a rat in London. I used it to snare a rat in Arizona. The Lufthansa rat.

Lila                 I thought he died of a heart attack?

Louie              That’s the best part, the poison is undetectable. No weapon, no charges. Now if you excuse me, I have some Russians to use this umbrella on. . .When they’re dealt with, I’ll get your $900 back.

Lila                 Anything for family?

Louie              Yes, anything for family.

-Thomas Clarke


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