Holy Apostles Soup Kitchen

LILA AND JEFF I

In Uncategorized on September 23, 2015 at 5:33 pm

adding machine

Jeff     Lila?

Lila     Yes, Jeff.

Jeff     I don’t think we’re going to be able to make the house payment this week.

Lila     Why not? Didn’t you get that rapid refund thing at your uncle’s tax place?            

Jeff     Yes I did.  We only got $300.

Lila     $300?  We were supposed to get nearly a $1200 refund.  How the fuck are we going to pay   these bills?

Jeff     You told me to get our taxes done there.

Lila     Uncle Louie never liked you.  Maybe I can get the $900 back from him.

Jeff     Your uncle, your bookie mobbed-up uncle runs that tax place.  No wonder he has that mansion in Great Neck.

Lila     I didn’t think he would rip off his own niece, or maybe he’s hiding the money for me.

Jeff     You have a fucked up family Lila.  For all I know your uncle’s creditors could be buried in the basement.

Lila     No, they’re buried in East New York.

Jeff     Normal people don’t bury their enemies – at least not literally bury them.

Lila     You think I like having them for family?  But a normal guy like you is just as warped        as them.

Jeff     I’m warped?!?  I work.  I try to pay bills. I don’t go out anymore thanks to you.  I don’t drink any more thanks to you.  I used to have no problem getting dates, getting laid, I gave all that up for you and you repay me by using your uncle to extort my hard earned money, money that puts a roof over your head.

Lila     I didn’t ask him to take $900.

Jeff     How can I believe anything any of you or your family says anymore?

Lila     OK Jeff, I’m an evil masochistic bitch who seriously loathes you.  Is that what you fucking want to hear from me?

Jeff     The truth would be nice.

Lila     Maybe the truth is that I’m sorry I ever met you.  I’m sorry I don’t have a Tommy gun in the basement.

Jeff     I’m sorry I don’t have any rope to hang you with.    

Lila     Shouldn’t you string up my uncle first?

Jeff     I’d like to string up that young prick who gave me the $300 check.

Lila     Jeff, my uncle is the only one in that office who signs or gives out the checks for   that place.

Jeff     Is he one of your cousins?  5 foot ten, slicked back black hair, wannabe Jersey Shore         guido?

Lila     I don’t have a cousin like that, Jeff.  Uncle Louie hates that fucking Jersey Shore show.  He even threatened to nuke Seaside Heights.  Are you sure you went to Louie’s tax service?   Are you sure you were at the Sicilian Tax Service at Avenue Y and 18th street?

Jeff     Yes, 1701 Avenue Y across from Stop and Shop.

Lila     Uncle Louie’s is at 1703 Avenue Y.

Jeff     That would explain the Cyrillic writing for a Sicilian tax place!

Lila     You asshole, you went to Uncle Louie’s rival’s tax place.

Jeff     These Mafioso schmucks run lookalike businesses next to each other?

Lila     Worse…they’re his Russian mafia rivals.

Jeff     So we got screwed by your uncle’s rival?

Lila     Yes, you moron!  Now I have to ask an uncle who despises you for money that his rival conned out of you.  And, those moron’s now have our address, phone and everything legit about us.

-Thomas Clarke

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